so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
