i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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