I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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