T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she pinky promised me she was 18
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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