I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
