when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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