I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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