party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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