Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
