idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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