my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
