I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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