My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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