I'm gonna have a badass scar
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The best revenge is premature balding
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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