Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
