Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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