I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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