if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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