how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
