Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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