: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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