got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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