I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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