Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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