I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize