there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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