just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
