i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
