Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
