Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
