I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
