I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You were trust falling into bushes
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
