my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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