I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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