Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
she pinky promised me she was 18
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
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