there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize