So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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