This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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