idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
