I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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