i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
