I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
