I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
