You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
