it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
