One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
