i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
