Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
