There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
