Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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