So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
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