We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
