Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
