she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
