ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
