I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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