my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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