I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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