just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
