I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
His nipple licking is glorious
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