I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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