I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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