alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
